Let Me Be Myself

Yeah... and I'm truly singing these words to myself right now... because what was missing... down there in that last post wasn't just support... what was missing was respect... for me... self respect... me saying I won't let you treat me that way... I deserve better... and sometimes I feel like I'm a pretty great person... and the world out there will change for me... if I just be me... but they ain't changing... they tell me I should be someone else... and that's when I need to get grounded and say I'm not apologizing, I'm not changing.... I'm not being who you need me to be... and I sing this song to me... because I won't let me be me... I've got more to say... but this song is enough for today...

Support

I should start by saying that most of my posts are based on my own experiences, my own feelings, and thoughts. I share some of my deepest thoughts... only to make you think. And often I'm sure you think I'm wrong... sometimes you might even think I'm right... I don't claim to be either... I'm just Tina... finding my way... my own way. I also hope I make you think sometimes before you judge someone else... I think if I accomplish one thing in this world it will be to live with compassion and conviction, and hopefully sprinkle a little here and there.

Bobbi Jo wanted to know what I thought about doing a figure competition without the support of her husband. Makes me hmmm... because well... my now ex never said he didn't want me to do a figure competition. I think in many ways he wanted that for me, but the support part he struggled with. I'm not really sure why. I think this one is easy... plain and simple... communication... the heart and meat of every strong relationship.

I really shouldn't have to say another word about this... Communication says it all. I think it is important to be able, as a couple, to really open up about each others wants, needs, and limitations...individually and as a couple. <<<<<<------------- HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Competing in a figure competition is incredibly demanding. We are talking about lifting and cardio that can take up as much as 2-4 hours of your day just for workouts... everyday... not to mention all of the meal prep, stage prep, mental focus necessary to make it to your big day. On top of that you are going to be mentally and physically exhausted on many days. However, there will be days, where you are on top of the world full of passion and fire for life because you are living with passion and fire for something that is important to you.

I think many people on the outside trying to look in would say that my marraige ended because my priorities were not my marriage... I even live with this guilt based on this false belief. I allow I guess others to place it on me. I don't need to explain why my marriage ended... but I will... I think Mark would agree... we never could communicate our wants, needs, and limitations as individuals and as a couple... and come to an understanding. Plain and simple... right from the beginning there was a sign... and no matter what we did to try and get there... we just never saw eye to eye.

I think this is something I am now learning as I go out in that big world out there and search for love. Love is easy... compassion... conviction... easy.... communication... true honest communication and reaching and understanding that allows you to give and receive your wants and needs within your limitations oh man... not so easy.

So I think no matter what your wants, needs, dreams... it's time to sit down with your loved ones and open up lines of communication.... and keep those lines of communication open... and as individuals you have to be able to express your true limitations, and maybe there is a meeting half way in between where you both grow and change and deepen the relationship.



I cry when I look at this picture... because when I look at it... I had it all... except the one thing... the only thing I needed... to make that moment everything... see it in my face... because it was missing... it wasn't even worth it...

Just to make you think.

Why compete in a figure competition???

This could take me several posts to get it all out but lets start with Dawns first question...why???

Competing changed my life... and the thing is looking back... Tony knew it would. It didn't all happen with that first competition, but that is certainly where I took off. I went back and forth with Tony about competing. I told him many times I couldn't do it... not with the stretch marks... not with the skin... but he knew the anxiety that was stopping me from competing was anxiety that was holding me back in life. If he could get me to stick with it... if he could get me up on that stage I would step off a different person.

It's not about the judges... it's not about a placing... it's not about bikini's... or protein... or even 5 inch heels... it's not about bling bling... it's not even about the muscle or the workouts. It's about all of that and so much more. It's about becoming a figure competitor, it's about the beauty, the poise, the discipline, the pride, the strength, the perseverence...it changes the way you feel inside...it sets you apart, and yet you are a part of something huge, something only a competitor can understand. You would think competing is about setting yourself above the rest. I haven't found that place for me... competing for me is about competing against me. Almost like I am alone on that stage.

When I stand up on that stage entire journey flashes before my eyes... the times in the gym when I couldn't get the weight up, and the times when I did. The times when the tears rush down my face, and the times when I laugh my azz off. Today I was thinking there is nothing like feeling the squeeze of the rear delt and knowing that you are hitting it just right. I was thinking there is no better high then the high I get when I'm in the gym, my muscle is doing what my mind puts forth. I was thinking about how some days are wax on/wax off... and some days are the winning knock out.

The day I stepped off that stage is the day I began feeling like that part of something huge. I was a competitor... my workouts changed... my discipline changed... I became a gym junkie. I couldn't get enough of the iron... you can't just say you are a figure competitor... you will become one if you walk the journey.

Not a day goes by that I regret my journey. Not a day goes by that I don't feel the competitor nagging at me. I will forever be a figure competitor... I will forever feel the beauty of who I am, I stand with poise, I live with discipline, I feel pride, I live strong... I persevere...

Follow a competitor to the stage, take your own journey... I don't care who you are... you will never be the same. You may struggle with how you've changed, those around you will struggle with how you've changed... but you'll never go back... I promise you that.

I'm just getting started... I have lots more to talk about :)

Competition

There's a thought...why don't I ever talk about competition.

I'm just writing this down...I have to go to the gym and work...no time to blog...

But I should be talking about competition...

Thanks Dawn for the inspiration :)

I'll be back... it was a long road to that stage...

I want to talk about it...it's bringing me to tears right now as I think about what I want to write.

But the Blog will not keep me from my workout or getting to work on time with my plan...

I'm not fooling around anymore...

I come first...

I don't need a clock... or a watch... it's my my my time :)

Good thing it's a tune that can play in my head... because that is not easy for me to say or do!!!

However I am passionate about my experience and why have I not been writing about it???

So does anyone want me to tell them what all those months leading up to competition looked like and felt like... what do you want to know... or do you want to know at all???

Either way I'll be back to share... share with me things you want to know. Right down there...hit the comment button and share with me your thoughts and questions... I know you have them.

The Motivation

There will always be days when your goals and dreams seem far out of reach. This can happen from one day to the next without reason. The feelings and emotions can run deep and lead to hopelessness. But there is ALWAYS HOPE and you must ALWAYS keep each aspect of your foundation in line with the other. Food, workouts, mindset, accountability, motivational tools must all FEED your dreams and they FEED each other. ~Tony DiCostanzo

Live Your Life with Your Goals and Aspirations at the FRONT of your Heart, Mind and Living. Do NOT let others dictate YOUR choices. The other day a friend said, "C'mon, T, it's a hot dog man-Live a little" My Response-- "I'm Living A Lot and I'm doing without the Hot Dog. YOU are NOT ME...MAN!" Do You See How easy it can be to fall short and let others trip you up? No Thanks :) ~Tony DiCostanzo

DreamKillers and Negative words are Only Fuel for my Fire. They make me Laugh...My Smirk Lives on Forever as I Devour every obstacle in my way...Take a Good Look at that Smirk...Yup :) ~Tony DiCostanzo

This is why you need to add Tony DiCostanzo to your facebook and your twitter. I'm serious the man is on fire...not a day goes by where I am not waiting for his words of inspiration...and I almost always let him know I am there just feeding off of his energy.

Almost all of his quotes mean something to me. I can relate to all of them in one way or another. I have been struggling lately. I know I am not alone so I want to talk about it. I e-mailed Tony last night...guess what...he asked me for pictures about a week ago, because he knows I am struggling, I told him my camera would be here soon and I would get them right out to him. Well the camera came, I haven't figured out how to use it...and I fell off the deep end...I was finally fitting into my tiny scrubs from last summer, that I haven't been able to get over my hips and thighs, not even for my competitions. I was feeling great...and then I let the little voices in here and there, some from me, some from others and before you know it I was on my worst binge since way before Tony, yes worse than my first post competition binge. What am I so afraid of??? Because that is what it is...my mind has been weak, I haven't been feeding it with the right sorts of fuel. This I know is what plagues many of you that don't ever get to your goals...I know it, and how do I break through...I know how to break through because I've done it before, I've lectured most of you. So yes first thing...fessing up to Tony...ugh...I had to do it...next pictures...gawd do I wish I would have done them last week. Next getting all of my food prepared and baggied up...Do I freaking want the body or not....if I'm not prepared I'm going to fail. Alarm, I have to set it to get up and get in some cardio, because who wants to be in the gym for two hours after being on there feet all day and plus some cardio in the morning sets my day off with a reminder of my goals.

So how did I fall off...I had a few guys tell me woman aren't sexy with muscular arms, I didn't get in the Harley shoot and all of the woman there did not have shape or muscle or boobs...I mean they could have at least had boobs. So the voices in my head started playing with my goals...and I'm weak, and I'm not prepared and a whole train wreck happens before my eyes just when I'm finally getting somewhere....you know the story don't you. So I'm telling Kim about all of this the other day and I'm crying, and she's confused...she says I don't get it Tina...all the guy's I know find girls with muscle sexy...I think those guys were jealous or insecure themselves. And I think in a way she is right, I am a tough girl, it's going to take a lot of man to handle me...he's going to have to have a good head on his shouders... he's going to have to be confident enough in himself to know how to treat a lady. I am just so frustrated with myself right now. How could I be so weak, how could I let anyone steal my fire...I know better than this. But you know the story don't you. You live it too. You can't let anyone steal your thunder. You can't.

So here I stand saying what I always say to you out there...

If you could see where you could be, you wouldn't waste a second getting there.

Have you ever let self doubt stand in the way of your goals...have you ever let fear paralyze you...have you ever been so weak that you let the dream killers in??? So what if you did...guess what you can change it...you can make your dreams come true. Ask yourself what could I do today to get me one step closer to my goals and dreams. Maybe you just do one thing every day and that grows into you doing countless things and your dreams get closer and they grow and you are living, and before you know it you are on fire like Tony :) I don't know but I know what makes me happy and what makes me sad. What fuels my dreams and robs from them. What will I do about it...just watch me.

I have had the blinders on but I'm getting my sight back :) Thanks T...for always being a facebook status away from fueling my fire :)

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

I encourage you to make playlists with themes....here is another of my beautiful songs...and actually sometimes when you listen to slow meaningful songs when you are lifting....it lets you really get deep with the weights...try it...you might like it.

And lets get into beauty again. I was talking to Kim on the phone today...OMG we chatted for so long...we were both getting our gym prep on, then we talked all the way to the gym, and while we were on the treadmill...and we weren't even in the same state :) She was on the treadmill saying hi to the gym crowd as we were chatting, and a few gave her the that's not exercise...talking while doing cardio....and she gave them the it's Tina... pretty much sayin yes it is ... because I could hear the Oh, sorry :) It's the biceps...they're scared of the biceps :)

Anyhow, I was telling her about my posts the other day and what fueled them. And talking to her about what all they meant to me, and what your comments meant to me. You see Kim is absolutely without a doubt beautiful inside and out, and would you believe she doesn't feel it...now that's just crazy...were talking could be a supermodel beautiful. I think it's the messages we send our brains on a daily basis....sorry Tony...I'm giving up the good shit here :)

But I'm serious. My son was calling his sister fat the other day. Ohhhhhhhhh......I about lost it. It takes a lot to really make me fire offffffff.....and he didn't know it was coming :) Well I told him...and I've always told my kids....the words you use in your internal talk and the way you talk to others effects your brain. When you use negativity toward others your brain is getting negative messages, and in turn you don't feel real good. And this goes both ways. You all feel really good when you comment on others blogs and you say...great things...you feel like a great person, your brain gets that message...it does.

And this is why listening to music that makes you feel good, sends you good messages...is so important. Music is powerful...very, very powerful...choose it wisely...and it not only will make you feel like dancing...you might just dance your life away :)

You are beautiful...and I left my zune in the car...but I will send you more beautiful....make your list today...tell me what you put on it...you might have something I don't have :)

Thank you Tony...for helping me see my beauty...

I was telling Kim today....I didn't always know what a beautiful person I was, I didn't feel it....look at my competing pictures....I was scared to shine :) Don't be scared...shine!!!! If you can't do it...If your not feeling it...If someones messin with your beautiful...just let me know...I've got the guns :) Now that's what I call one, two, punch :)

Beautiful

I actually have a playlist called beautiful :) It's all songs about beautiful...I thought today was a good day to play one for you...because yes....you too are beautiful. Don't ever let anyone take that away from you...

I started this playlist a long time ago...because that's one thing Tony will work on with you... seeing your beauty...because we've been hearing everyone our whole lives telling us what we are not... but you know what... we are our own worst enemies... I didn't think I was beautiful... all I could see is how everyone would tell me when I was younger that my lips were too big... and then there was the friend that said it wasn't my lips that were my problem it was my nose... then it was that I had buck teeth, or I was not fat just big boned, or my boobs were too big for my body (sure wish I still had that problem ) Oh hell...the world is full of haters... but really I know I'm beautiful...and so are you... and I absolutely love the rap part of this song...I've got a little booty dance for it :) Dance with me :)

My Transformation :)

This is where I started...about 155 lbs...I had been doing BFL previously for months and months without many changes...



This is the first set of pictures I sent Tony I think about 6 weeks into the program...I was so proud, Tony was so proud...my body was changing...but my weight wasn't...we were frustrated to say the least...I remember Tony saying...you promise you are measuring everything, doing your cardio, everything like I spelled it out for you. I promised the big guy...and he said not to worry and so I didn't. I just did what he said...I wanted a dream body...Tony promised one that would belong in a magazine...so we kept working...



We kept working from Thanksgiving through Christmas...and let me just tell you when Tony asked me for these pictures....I was a little scared to take them...I had just had the biggest Christmas feast...and then there was New Years...but Tony had a plan so I could feast...and guess what it worked...



I lost about 25 lbs during from Sept 23 when I started with Dreambodies until January when these pictures were taken...and most of the weight came off in the last month...during the holidays :) I think it's important for you to know this...I see so many girls give up before they get there...they pay attention to the scale...they look in the mirror everyday and they can't see the changes...

You have to know Tony knows what he is doing...have faith in the program...stick it out...don't cheat it. I want you to see what I got to see....

And here is the thing....my transformation gets better...after this my weight didn't change at all...but my body....OMG my body changed...it got better and better...









and it gets better and better...it never stops getting better...this is for life...I love it...I won't ever stop growing and changing...inside and out...

Dreambodies Diva for life :)

And why do I do this...because I want you to see your dream body... Do you think I could see that right there when I was that alllllllll the way up there....no I couldn't...but if I could have....I wouldn't have wasted a single second it would have been full speed ahead...the dreambodies way...the only way :)

And so he speaks :)

I told you I wasn't getting into it because I'm not the expert :) I'm so glad Tony did...he really is a genius when it comes to the mind....shhhh I don't think he knows I know about this...Mind Over Muscle I just happened to stalk him on twitter and I saw this...and dang it he also linked to my transformation story at the same time...which makes me think he might just be reading the blog :) Although I guess it could be complete coincidence, I doubt it...he's reading :) You have to read this...it's good :) And I'm thinking I better start dotting my i's and crossing my t's... I never said I learn everything he is trying to teach me... he's always saying no, no, no... you don't get it... I'm just glad he care's enough not to give up... slowly but surely I'm finding my way... thing is... I never give up... can't fault that... I didn't want my readers to miss out on the freebee's :) And if you want to stalk Tony like me...check him out on twitter :) And if you want to read my transformation story, just click on my transformation picture there on the sidebar :) Come back and tell me what you think about what Tony shares about the mind....lets talk about it :) DreamBodies Diva or not were in this together... I do this stuff because I love it... I stay up until all hours of the night reading and thinking, and wondering how can I get better, and how can I help you to be the best you can be.

The mind :)

"Listen carefully, your ego-mind is like a ruthless crooked lawyer building a case using whatever it can while calling its lies “logical reasons”. What you have to do is employ the fierce power that is the fire in your heart that cries out for you to live your dreams." Dov Baron

I love this quote as it reminds me of one of my favorite most memorable coaching calls with Tony. I can't quote him because he went on and on and on hammering this truth into my head. I can barely have a thought these days where I do not stop and think where does this lawyer come from...GO AWAY!!!!! The mind is fascinating and convoluted it works in mysterious ways. Well that's if you allow it to take over you. You have to be in control of your mind. You have to know how it works. I'm not going to try and even begin to get into it, I'm not the expert. However, I've told you stories before on how I've seen in my life how my mind got me where I wanted to go, and how it has stopped me in my tracks. I guess my fight has always....always....always been a battle against me. And that is a very scary place for me to be head to head with my mind. I've reached heights where I feel like I am untouchable...no one can stop me....And I am....no one... BUT ME!!!!!!!!!! No matter what heights I reach that lawyer is always lying dormant in my mind waiting for me to be weak...tired...lonely...scared...it is so important to know your enemy...in any battle...I feel I am in for one of my worst battles yet...everyday that lawyer is popping up...and he is my mind...my ego mind...He's tough...but you know me I'm a fighter...and I will never stop fighting for me. I want you to know this...because I'm fighting this fight for you to fight yours!!!!! You must know what you are up against !!!

I guess it's a matter of mind vs heart...and what kind of artillery you employ, what's the battle plan...where are you...and where do you want to be. This stuff is HUGE...it helps to know I'm not going it alone. I've always known I am 99% heart...this has left me vulnerable. I have to have one Hellava 1% mind :) Let's get to it...lets fight :)